my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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