also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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