I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
