So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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