I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
