my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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