make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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