Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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