The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
