you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
