I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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