Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
