my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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