i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
