Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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