I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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