The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
