You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
