Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
