dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
