I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
