either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
