my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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