last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We have started to decorate penises.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
