You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
