Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
