I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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