My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
