I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
