so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
