Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
