im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
