I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Houston, we have a squirter
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
