I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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