im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
