we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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