dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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