Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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