Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
