best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My butt remains clenched, sir.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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