Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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