I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
