matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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