I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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