Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
