saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
