I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
