Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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