just survived the first fart of the relationship.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
