My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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