I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
