so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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