So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I am naked and annoyed.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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