God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
